Ikkle bletherings

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Rec me baby! Jan. 4th, 2010 @ 08:52 pm
OK after being fanfic free for about 10 years I have suddenly fallen into a pool of mush for Ten/Rose Doctor Who shipping. I wanna read some fic, but I cannot be bothered trying to find it. Anything good out there?

I may also ship David Tennant and Billie Piper but that's RPS and WRONG so DON'T rec me any of THAT kind of stuff.....



Alos, Happy New Year and hello 2010. May it bring good stuff, or a better class of crap than 2009 flung my way.

Don't waste your time Sep. 30th, 2009 @ 12:02 pm
Triage = TOTAL waste of time.

This was the company I had an appointment with,as teh second aprt of the government trying to get me back to work.

My appointment was at 9am, so I had to get up mege early (before Andy even!) and Mum picked me up and took me to the apointment in town. I sat in their waiting room for a good 10 minutes (listening toa ll the staff gossip as they all came ina nd settled to work) before being called by a lovely Irish woman.

As soon as she sat me down she said there was a problem. They had 2 referall forms about me - both were from the same person at the Job Centre Plus, both were dated the same day, one had "voluntary" written on it, and one had "madatory" written on it. Now what they do with me is totally different depending on if it is voluntary or mandatory.

So the Irish lady said she'd take ome info form me to try and clear things up. She asked what benefit I was on, what my condition was and if I wanted to go abck to work. I explained the situation, and that I was already doing permitted work to the extent I could handle. She then asked me if I had a medical apintment, I epxlained I don't get them as  I received a lifetime award of my benefit due to my tribunal. This got her even more confused, so she called over her boss.

Across came Scraeywoman Jane. Irish lady explained to her, Jane siad if it was voluntary then there is nothing they cna do for me, but if it's mandatory then I HAVE to come in. Eventually they decided to call the woman who had written the forms and clarify.

it didn't help that I couldn't remember the name of the place I'd been earlier, as when I attended they kept the letter they'd sent me. But I tried to say what I remembered, and I DID remember that whilst I was there the woman at teh first place phoned Triage and said voluntary appointment.

So Irish lady calls the department on the form, and it turns out the FormLady did not work at that department. It turns out she works someplace else altogether. ScareyLAdyJane and Irish lady exchnage comments about teh ridiculousness of all this nad IrishLady says to me "Look, I didn't make that up, she's writtne THAT department hasn't she?!".

Eventually she gets through to FormLady who after a LONG LONG time (during which Irish LAdy asks me about my job and speaks in a ways that shows she completely understands being ill! I am in shock) confirms, yes it is voluntary.

ScraeyLAdyJane is now pissed off as it means there is NOTHING they cna do for me, I ahve permitted work, I'm happy with that for the time being, absolutely NO POINT in me being there. She actually wasn't pissed off with me and in fact, ocne hse knew I was voluntary was much kinder to me and was apologetic and saying it should never have happened, and I did nothing wrong,a nd she would make sure I didn't get called in for nay more meetings!!! SO YAY!

IrishLady walked me out of the building to GAYasChristmasReceptionist, who signed me out. IrishLadyapologised, I apologised for things being confusing. She siad "No, it's not your fault at all...welll...you elarn something every day!"

And thatw as that! A waste fo energy, time and stress for nothing.

Mum and I did then go to {Primark as I was looking to get a nice cheap long cardi for going to London. And I ran into Debbie so thatw as nice. I had a bacon sandwhich and now I'm home and planning to sleep all frikkin day.

Side note: Andy is so useless at rememebring to do ANYTHING I ask. I hponed him at 9am and reminded him to tkae the rubsih out of the kitchen and put it in the outside bin as it gets emptied at lunchtime. I came home....and the rubbish is still sitting in the kitchen. Where it will now stay stinking everything out...lovely.
Current Mood: crankycranky

BT Are indeed the bastards Sep. 25th, 2009 @ 02:40 pm
So after much tooing and froing, calls to OH (who declared Andy as being covered by the Disability Discrimination Act) and a letter from OH Andy has received a FORMAL WARNING from his work for 5....count 'em....5 days sick leave in a year!


They staretd off by saying it was 17, due to the 12 days sick leave he was certified when he had his operation but as I said OH said sleep apnoea is covered by the DDA. However, eventually management called him in and said as only 1 of the periods of sickness were due to sleep apnoea then he still had 5 days sick in a year and hello formal warning.

This means if he is off sick at all in the next 6 months it will escalate to a final warning or some such.

It's possitively draconain. How the HELL can you guarantee you won't be sick in the next 6 months?? I told him what them means is no matter how sick he is, he'll have to go into work and to make sure to cough ro puke over EVERYONE there, especially management.

(This was what caused him to be sick a couple of months back. Someone came into work with a stomache bug and literally 6 out of 8 people in his team were then off with it at the same time. The team leader was going round with disinfectant but hello too late. They 'Hot desk' and clearly the headpieaces and keyboards are NOT disinfected)


It makes me so unbelievably angry.

My Latest Offering Sep. 23rd, 2009 @ 12:57 am
Here's my latest painting. I did it as a wedding present for Calire. There's lots I'm not happy with but she liked it nad I think it has a kind of joyful feel to it which I do like.

It's of Broughty Ferry beach. The church where I got married is on the very far left. Claire's Mum lives in the house in the middle.




Tags:

One out, All out! Sep. 15th, 2009 @ 02:17 am
I had the worst IBS attck I have literally ever had today, worse than the one that caused me to get a camera up the bottom. And because I'm nice like that, I wanted to share it with the world.

Graphic poop talk, skip if it's TMI or will make you lose your dinnerCollapse )

Now Andy is all worried and talking about not liking coincedences (obviously concerned it is to do with my tumour), but I'm not, at this point. As the nausea was ONLY while I had a cramp, I'm pretty sure it was simply a reaction to the severity of the cramping and my stomache joining in the act. Or reacting to the actual pain.

I'm reluctant to contact the doctor over it, as I'm sick of going back and forth there the past few weeks. Plus I have a massive fear of getting an endoscopy.

If it happens again I'll definitely see someone.

There's also the thought it is related to the fact I just got diagnosed with a pituatary tumour, not medically but that I'm more stressed over it than I realised and that's how it came out....literally.

I had to have boiled egg and toast abut 30 mins after it all ended as I was SO hungry and I'm feeling pekish again now...

Current Mood: lethargiclethargic
Other entries
» grrrrrrrrrrrrr
Every time I close Firefox it logs me out of everything...and it's PISSING ME OFF.

I'm wonderinf why none of my friends have updated their blogs and then I realise why.

However I am eating Pink Panther wafer biscuits, so that's good.
» A diagnosis
Well, I saw the Doctor today tog et teh results fo my blood test and my mystery boobs nad I finally have a diagnosis.

It seems I have a small pituitary gland tumour.

Not brilliant news but it could ahve been way worse. I'm oddly kind of excited about it.

After years of having M.E. having something diagnosable and known is a new and interesting experience.

I will have to go and see an endocranologist shortly, who will see what size it is, and depending on that will depend on if I get any treatment at all or if they just monitor it (as the only symptom I have is the disharge from my breasts).

The only impact it will have on my life is make it difficult to have children, which as I don't plan to have any is fine by me. I still have regular periods so it's not effecting me too badly nad my levels of prolactin are not scarily high, so hopefully it's just a tiny tumour or possible it's NO tumour nad just a malfucntion.

If I do get treatment it looks like it's medication - which has the fun side-effects fo dizziness and nausea, which thanks I ahve already!

I am wondering though if this has contributed to my crappy eyesight and weight gain. Only time will tell.
» George's message
A tale I was going to put in my update, but I realised it deserved it's on post and not to be lost in my rambling.

Around 2 weeks ago, Andy's veryg odo friend Graeme lost his dad. He died very suddenyl at home of a heartattack, while his wife tried to call for an ambulance.

Graeme called us the next morning to let us know, and chatted to me about it as we get on well together.


The next day some of the guys were round here in the evening. Gav arrived first, before Andy had got home form work, so it was just the 2 of us.

Now Gav is the most down to earth, cynical, unromantic guy. I asked him how Graeme was doing and Gav said he had something to tell me, he wasn't sure if he should but he needed to talk about it, so shared it with me but I kept it quiet...

This was Friday night and on Saturday lunchtime the phone rang and it was Graeme. I assumed he was calling to tell us about the funeral arrangement (as all the guys knew his Dad well and would want to go to pay their respects), however when I answered he said he needed to talk to me, and proceeded to tell me the story that Gav had shared with me the night before, which was this...

George died on Wednesday night. They went to the hospital but he was dead on arrivala nd came back home again. Moira, George's wife, was obviously distraught and stayed up all night, at home. As he died late at night they didn't inform anyone, so the only people who knew about George's death were Moira, Graeme, Grame's wife Jane, their oldest son Peter, and Sandy who was in the house when Moira phoned.  Gramea and Jane spent much of Wednesday night and Thursday day with Moira at her house. Late in the afternoon they had to go to the registry office to get the death certificate. When they came home there were lots of messages for Moira on the phone, from well wishes and concerned family.

However, the first message on the answering service was neither of those.

It had come at 8.17am on Thursday morning - when everyone was in the house and the phone had never rung. And it was a male voice, through lots of static whispering, "I'm fine. Don't worry yourself, I'm OK."

The message was the exact length of the word, no silences before or after. The message was held on the phone provider's service and thus had the time stamp from them. Graeme called them and they said they could not trace incoming messages.

Gramea had called Gav round as in independant witnes to listen to it. he didn't tell him what it was, simply asked him to come round to his Mum's to show him something. Gav, a man who does not believe in any nonsense, was totally freaked. He had tears in his eyes when he told me about it.

Moira had freakde out at first but had calmed down somewhat. Grame phoned me becuase he siad I was the only person he knew who was religious etc and he wnated tot alk to someone about it.

Basically he is convinced it is his Dad, and I think it's hard to think anything otherwise. He talked it through with me for 2 hours.

I basically told him you don't ahve to believe in an afterlife, in god, Heaven or even ghosts to believe that was a message from his Dad. It could completely be explained away logicaly and scientifically, however that doesn't take away from the message nad it's timing. Whatever is behind it, whatever it is caused by, it means one thing, your Dad is okay, and he wants you to be happy and not worry too much.

It really shook him and Gav. Andy, the pudding, just would not make a call on it. I asked him privately what he thought and he just kept saying he hadn't hear dit so couldn't say. But I siad Gav heard it, so whgat do you THINK it means? But he wouldn't be drawn on it.

I have to say, it's the cloest I've ever coem to an actual ghost type eperience from people I know, and I did well up every time I talk about it.

I just thought it was interesting and worth documenting.
» Autumn falls
Wow, I can't believe it's been almost 3 months since I updated.

I have to say, since getting married I am so much mroe tired and have so much less time to do things, I never thought about this side fo things in advance, but heyho I'm happy otherwise.

The past 3 months have been filled with:

My birthday! - 34, got some lovely presents but largely consisted of cash and vouchers so i could have a masive shopping trip with the girls. I did and it was Fab. I sucked Primark dry. Also had the girls round for a night in, which was wonderful, though K hilariously drank an entire bottle fo Malibu straight then spewed everywhere (thankfully in the bathroom). And we got to see the photos from Shug's wedding.

Claire's wedding - very stressful time as I agreed to put up Claire's friend form London, as she had kindly put up medland for me. However, soon realised it would be impossible for her to stay in our 1 bedroomed flat, especially as Andy was working (this turned out to be very fortutuoius) , so thankfulyl Mum said she'd put her up and I would stay at Mum's to a) keep her company b) make life easier for getting to the wedding c) get a good night's sleep ahaha. Anyway, Pam from London was utterly divine and so warm and loving it went great. The wedding itself was GLORIOUS. Bad weather but such a wamr loving atmsophere. As Andy was working, I was stag but together with Pam we made great friends with several people (which freaked Claire out, to come over and see me from her childhood, Pam from her time in London, a teacher she worked with 5 years ago, and her brother's girlfriend all sitting chatting like old friends) and I had such a good time.

It was lovely but heartbreaking that Jon (Rachel's widower) came to the wedding with the 3 kids. He did not seem to cope well, but the kids loved it. The 2 younger ones went off with a babysitter before the reception and Jon seemed to perk up whilst dancing with his oldest boy.

I also reconnected with Mu so much. About 2 weeks before the wedding we had claire's non-hen night. As all her friends are scattered over the country she didn't have a party but Mu came through from Glasgow and the 3 of us spent a Friday night chatting just like we were teenagers. So at the wedding, though I had to keep pam company I got to spend some time with Mu and her 2 gorgeous girls. Her odlest girl has somehow fallen for me (she's 5) and wrote me an adorable note during the meal and cmae over to my table to give me it. I played with her and danced with her at the reception and Mu text me the next day to say Molly had siad in the car going home "Dawn is very good with children isn't she?" LOL how self-aware! And asked when she could see me again.

I just felt so full of love at the end of teh wedding. being around these old friends made me realsie that as much love and fun as I have with my other girlies, there just isn't the same depth of accpetance and ease I have with my old church friends. I want to see them more often.

Andy was supposed to come to the reception once he'd finished his work, and my Mum was picking him up. At around 7.45 my phone rang and I thought it was him saying he was on his way, but as soon as he spoke I knew osmething was wrong, especially when he said "I'm at home." Turns out he had a bad sore throat and started to feel ill at work. His work had made him call NHS direct and he had been give a preliminary diagnosis of Swine Flua nd sent home.

Needless to sya I freaked out. He was so sweet as he knew I'd be worried and was so scared to tell me. I ahd to clal Mum to tell ehr not to go get him, and we arranaged for me to stay at Mum's again. I hung up the phone, went back into the wedding and everyone was immediatly asked when Andy was comign and I'm so ashamed to say i burst into tears!! Thankfully Lesley was very sweet and everyoen was reassuring.

I called Andy back every 2 hours and by the second phone call i was much releaved as he hadn't developed a fever and was sitting playign games so wasn't that ill. His Mum and family were comign through the next day, they decided still to come.

As it turned out he DIDN'T have Swine flu as he didn't have the cough or fever and basically felt fine the next day, so i was able to go home.

But the stress of it alla nd all the action left me ill and dizzy for over a week.




Trips to the dentist - toothache, dentist couldnt' find any reason for it so i went shopping (again!) and had to go back the next week for a filling. I STILL have to go again next week. *sigh*

Trips to the doctors - POSSIBLE TMI INFO FOR SOME FEEL FREE TO SKIP

one day I discovered that when squeezed my nipple was producing some discharge. I went to the doc, who gave me a breast exam and told me what I already kenw "Your breasts ARE very large...and they are very hard to check." No shit. She said I have very lumpy breasts generally, and thought it was likely a duct infection and gave me antibitiocs. I dutifully took those and went back as requested. Discharge is still there, doctor is baffled. She doesn't think I have any actual breast disease, she checked my breasts again and took soem blood. she thinks now I might have a hormone imbalance, or that the medication for my IBS is causing it. She's been MEGA lovely, which is so hard for me to realise as she was very tough on me during my early years of M.E. But now she's so understanding, asked how I was copign with the domestic side of married life and I spoke about how hard it is to do housework etc but that i cna do light stuff like washing up and she said "Yes, when you have a good day". My jaw nearly unhinged.

Hassled by the DWP - AGAIN. In October they were giving me hassle over my permitted work, which I eventually got sorted out. Now due to the new initiatives etc they are trying their very best to get me to do full time work...which is frnakly IMPOSSIBLE, as the above shows. I've had one interview so far, and have another this week.

The first lady was very nice btu just hadn't a CLUE. She's just a jobcentre employee and has NO MEDICAL knowledge at all (that's what she told me). she didn't even know what M.E. was and wrote "yuppie flu" on my form to explain it. That pissed me off.  She asked me what I do to fill my time as I'm home all day, I explained that with the amount fo sleep I need plus hopw long/hard it is to do most things, my day is filled up with the basicas of cooking, eating, washign up, showering, dressing etc. And If IF I had some energy and time I liekd to do arts nad crafts.

Somehow, for her, this translated into the diea that I could EASILy do 16 hours a week arts and crafts, be earning a living and off benefits. The amount of flaws in her plan were huge, aside from the fact I explained I can't fo anything like 16 hours of crafts a week, there's the key issue of how EXACTLY I get paid to do these crafts and largely, she didn't even ask if I was any good at them! LOL

It was clear from her questions to me (and the interview with the woman before me, which i ehard the ENTIRE thing, no privacy here!) that basically they feel that 2/3 of all people on long term health benefits actualyl are no longer ill but have simply lost confidence and are afriad of work. she went on abotu the home becoming a safety banket that you are afraid to leave, and questioned me heavily on contact with family/friends. She was visbly disapointed that i had a good support system, with understanding friends and family who work round me and visit me etc, as it meant she couldn't launch into her talk about how isolated I must be and how betetr it would be if i was working. She basically didn't listen when i explained my ilimitations and reccomended evening classes at the university that I could do.

anyway, as i say, inteviwe 2 is this week with one fo the "cahrity" organisations that the government are paying £100 for every eprson they get fof benefits. i don't expect it will be easy, so i am prepared to stand my ground and explain to them my limitations and what happens if i push them.

Our ANNIVERSARY - Last weekend Andy and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary! I can't believe it, time has flown by though in other ways it seems like this is how it has always been. We had a lovely night in together on saturday (after Andy finished work) where I cooekd French Onion soup for the first time (it was bloomin' loverly) and we spent quality time snugglign and whatnot.  As it's Paper anniversary i gto Andy 2 star Wars books he wanted for Roleplaying. And he got me some acrylic paints 9to put on paper) and perfume (cos I needed some LOl).

On Sunday we had a big family meal at the restuarant opposite the church where we got married. Andy's aunt on his Dad side that he never sees came with her 2 kids who were up from London, Andy's Mum and her new partner John (lovely guy) came, his sister nad sis in law and nephew, adn my Mum and Brother #2. We took up half the restaurant and had a lovely time. i was stunned we got gifts too. His aunt gave us a lovespoon and his cousins gave me a box of choclates and a bunch fo sunflowers. His Mum gave us £100 (which paid for our meal and a week's worth of groceries, LOl unromantic but useful.) and Brother #2 gave us £40 fro Argos! (i think largely because he was unemployed at the time of the wedding and didn't give us a gift)

It was a ncie weekend but with allt he apointments I've had I'm just totally totally exhausted, haven't felt this tired for this long in a long time. and not much sign of it ending soon.


I ahve more tales but will save them and endavour to update more often.
» (No Subject)
Today was Rachel's funeral, and it was a long, draining day.

I had to get up at 7am, as claire and Chris, who were giving Mum and me a lift through, wanted to leave at 8am. So I took a sleeping pill, went to bed early and was woken by Andy shaking me and saying "Panda" (what he calls me these days). I had earplugs in and thought he was saying Amanda then he said something I wasn't totally clear on but was basically saying you've slept in, you ahve to get up.

I looked at my watch and it was 5.30am! He'd been dreaming or something and thought we'd slept in! He was so apologetic and thankfully I managed to fall back asleep quickly.

It was a beautiful sunny day, and we got to glasgow much quicker than expected - 1 hour 45 minutes before the funeral was starting. so once we found the church, we went to find someplace to get a coffee/breakfast. Thankfully a Morrisons supermarket was near by, and once we got there we got texts and calls from our old friend suzi who had also arrived early, so she joined us for breakfast. 

We were all reasonably jolly and chatty at that point, but as we went back to the car, another friend Lezley left Claire a message. Claire and I had been talking about how people would be and Claire said Lezley is so pragmatic, she'll be fine....but Lezley had arrived (by now it was 30 mintes before the service) and had popped into the church to use the toilet and was taken by surprise. The church ahd huge projector screen and large LCD screens all around the church and they were displaying a photo slide-show of Rachel throughout her life. And Lezley went to pieces.

By the time we drove back to the church there were dozens of cars parked and lots of people milling about. Just as we were walking up to greet a sobbing Lezley I heard someone call my name. It was Mu.  I hugged her and asked how she was she said "I coudl shoot my parents but I'm fine." Her parents were behind her, her mum gave me a kiss and her dad (our old minister) gave me a big hug. It was so sweet and weird, as he was always the minister nad not a touchy feely one.

As we walked into the church we saw lots of peoplef rom our church, past and present. I was sitting inbetween my Mum and Lezley, Lezley was still crying but we all were concentrating on the slide show and it got round to the time in rachel's life when we all knew her best, when we were all together throughout our teens. There was one pic of Rachela nd her little sister Hilly, and I exclaimed (not loudly) "I remember Hilly wearing that t-shirt!", Mu said "me too!" and we all were smiling remembering outfits they wore and good times. The recent photo I posted in my journal of us was in the slide show, which made me feel lovely

The church was PACKED , there must ahve been around 300 people there. The service began and the pastor introduced himself as their pastor from London, where they lived for 12 years. We sang a hymn, a friend of the family read a brief summary of Rachel's life, then we listened to a song that was important to them and looked at the photos.

It was all lovely, perfeclty pitched and fitting. And then the pastor got up to do his big bit, and that is where it all fell apart for me.

I have never felt such utter RAGE and come so close to walking out of a funeral as I did when he was speaking.

I may be overly sensitive here but when a minister mentions Harold Shipman....yes HAROLD SHIPMAN in the funeral of the loveliest, sweetest person I've ever known, I find it really innapropraite and frankly offensive.

The first part of his sermon/eulogy/whatever it was fine - although I found him somewhat lacking as a communictor. He talked for a good 10 minutes about a garden in London, in such a vague un-capitiviting way before explaining it's link to Rachel. And my mum thought it a bit offensive that he made a point of saying that Rachel had been brought up in a Christian family and that her husband Jon hadn't (when his family are sitting right there). He talked about what na amazing person Rachel was, how no-one ever had a bad word to say about her, about all the work she did, and how kind she was to people....all good.

But then he started talking about how as lovely as she was we mustn't start to think she was a saint or perfect, I lost teh thread a few times in rage but the gist of it was that none of us on this world are perfect we all have flaws, yet God loves us all. This was the first mention he said "God loves everyone, ever Harold Shipman, though I don't know how He does". I blanched at the mention but assumed it was just a strange thought that had popped into his head. But he carried on in the same vein and was saying that is rachel wasn't so lovely, we wouldn't have loved her (what?) and then he talked about how at funerals he'd led of non-Christians you would hear people saying how the deceased was a good person and deserved to go to heaven. He siad but they don't becuase being good isn't enough, only through Jesus can we go to Heaven (fair enough point to make in a sermon but not at a funeral). 

I was getting aggrivated at that point as he was making a BIG deal about this idea that non-Christians won't go to heaven, and in that room there must have been many people who had loved ones die who were NOT Christians and he's sitting there telling them they've gone to hell (and of course, that includes Rachel's husband Jon's parents!). And then the killer line came....he said that in fact NONE of us deserved to go to heaven because we were all sinners and undeserving "Rachel just as much as Harold Shipman"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He compared her to a murderer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And this is supposed to be a comforting service???!! I did see some other people physically react to that point.

Thankfulyl at that point he tailed off into something else because I did just have such a strong urge to just walk out as I refused to listen to that. It also annoyed me that he said how Rachel would aboslotuely agree with him about non-Christians not going to heaven and as nice as she was no doubt she would argue to the point of upsetting someone over that issue. And I'm sorry but that is utter BOLLOCKS. Rachel was the most Godly woman I've known but she was also the least judgemental and confontational. she never ONCE made an issue of religion to me (having non-beliving partners) or Claire (who is now an athiest).

I just found the whole thing so so offensive. Thankfully I wasn't alone and when we got a moment alone Claire, Chris and I talked about it and how unneccessary it was.

Anyway, I don't want to let it taint my memory of us all being together celebrating Rachel's life. It was lovely, we all got some sunflower seeds to plant in memory of her, which i am going to try to do.


We went to the crematorium for the dedication, and nearly missed it by going to the wrong place. Thankfulyl we got in in time. Rachel's dad read a beautiful poem then the pastor came up to emotionally blackmail us saying we'd have a few moments silence to think of Rachel "Maybe the feel of ehr hand in yours, the sound of ehr voice on the telephone or the look on ehr face when she opened the door to you". That tipped me over the edge and I had a bit of a cry.

It was over pretty quickly and we went to their church hall for tea/coffee and sandwhiches. We all stood chatting, laughing, lookin at old photos, and just sharing memories. We all promisied we'd do better at keeping in touch. I really enjoyed talking to Lezley, who i've never been very close to but she's the coolest person ever and a Minister. She is the kind of Minister I'm down with (she was talking about her disgareement with the church's stance on homosexuality).

It was lovely seeing Mu too, she's just the same and dominates conversation but she and I do just click with this humour. I made her laugh and it always makes me feel good.

And I briefly got to see Hilly (Rachel's sister) who is just turning into Rachel. She lives in new Zealand but she said she can't face the thought of going back at the moment. Seeing Jon was the hardest, the kids were there all day and I tihnk it helped him being distracted lookign after his wee boys but when he was greeting everyone coming in it was heartbreaking to see him. He said something about how he's not doing well etc I said "You're standing, that's a miracle." We all  talked so much about what he's going to do in tyerms of practicalities, will he give up work, or will he have to get someone in to look after the boys? It's all so traumatic.

And Claire's wedding is in 6 weeks. Rachel had already RSVPed that she and Jon and the boys would be coming....we wondered if in 6 weeks how things will be, if Jon will come anyway or not? Who knows. though Rachel will be there in spirit.

I am utterly, utterly drained now and will just crawl into  bed for a week.  i've had 2 texts and a phone call tonight from people (who didn't know Rachel) asking how it went, including B. So nice, but no-one needs to be concernced about me. I've lost a friend but my life goes on.





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